Too cynical to be a believer, too cowardly to be an atheist

When I was six I lost my faith while praying. In retrospect it seems like a stupid thing to do.

Imagine this, a young boy was praying along in a mosque, when out of the blue, his mind switches to one of the Super Nintendo games his friend brought a few weeks ago. It was a 16bit 2D side-scrolling submarine game.

WHOOSH! WHOOSH! went the torpedo as it fired towards its enemies. BOOM, Kablammo! Underwater explosions filled the screen. I was lost for what seemed to be five minutes in my imagination, when I came back to my senses. Wondering how long I had been lost in thought, I quickly glanced around. “Not long” I thought to myself and sighed in relief.

That was when the moment struck me. I remember thinking to myself, “If praying is supposed to be this great, awe inspiring thing, why the hell am I fantasizing about a video game. This is bull shit.”

I made a decision then and there, to give up on religion.

Hip hop, flip flop, on your rocker and over the top. I focused my little mind and said to myself, “Forget about religion. Forget about the Quran. Forget this little annoyance known as Islam and everything you’ve been forced to memorize”

And it worked.

I do not know how to pray. I do not know how to read Arabic without the symbols on top and below. I do not wish to go on the Hajj. I do not remember the Shahadath.

Cowabunga Dude!

For most of my life, religion has been about a holier-than-thou fool prattling on in Mosques and on T.V., and an even more annoying asshole in Islam class. Say what you want about the T.V. guys, but at least you don’t get graded.

I was quizzed about my beliefs by someone sometime ago. He was quite insistent on getting to the crux of the issue, which was “Did I pray regularly?”. Smiling out of embarrassment, I said no. With a serious expression on his face, he asked “If that is the case, then where will you go when you die?” “Heaven” I said unhesitatingly.

See here is the thing. Even though I have forgotten all the tenets of Islam, I still believe in god.

I believe in the big guy in the sky. I believe in an almighty space daddy. In this respect I differ from the “accepted” view of atheists and and dissenters.

I could never find it in my heart to actually let go of god. I could drop religion like a hot potato, but never god.

I read stories about random Wahabbies fucking up shit all over the world and I sneer in contempt. I read skeptics magazines and evolutionary biology and nod in agreement. But the one belief that has never been shaken is that there is a god.

So there you have it, my fine babies. I am too cynical to be a believer and too cowardly to be an atheist.